Get Ready to Have Your Relationship World Rocked.

Lately, I have been bombarded with relationship questions from friends, animals, and plants alike.  “Should I break up with my girlfriend?”  “Why doesn’t my boyfriend like it when I shave his legs?” “Does this dress make me look fat?”  “Is photosynthesis a fancy version of an abusive relationship?”

All are understandably difficult questions.  And they will all be answered in this blog post.

Now, I am a bit of an expert on the subject, as I’m now working on a healthy three-year relationship with my cat.  Impressed?  Don’t let my credentials fool you – even I don’t have all the answers. 

Just most of them.

Allow me to continue with my lecture.

The first thing you should know about relationships is that they are relations between two individuals, generally both humanoid.

This is where many panic.

“Where can I find another homo sapien in with which to enter relations, Virginia??”

Have no fear, I will aid you.

The selection process is fairly basic.  There exist only a few critical qualifications:

Can the Prospective Relationship Partner (PRP) lift and hold heavy objects for an extended period of time?  Demanding a demonstration is encouraged.

Does the PRP possess a means of transportation?  Tricycles are desired but not required.

Is the PRP prone to rash actions?  If so, good!  They will often surprise you, which is considered highly romantic by mainstream society.

If you were honestly able to answer yes to the above three questions, congratulations!  You’ve snagged a prospect.

If not, do not give up hope.  Recruitment is easy.  I, personally, find it best to hang a sign out the window of your homestead, signaling you as a Single Person Looking For an Emotionally Unstable Strong Person.  Your neighbors will envy your ingenuity.

Once you have your prospect, it is time to move to Phase Two: Maintaining Their Interest.  You are a fascinating, wonderful person!  But that is irrelevant.

In making sure they do not get bored, run away, or are captured by the authorities, it is necessary to take certain steps.

1.     Make sure you have a plot of land or area in which they may roam.  This will avoid feelings of smothering.

2.     Change things up a little bit!  If you normally wear your hair down, shave it all off to keep them intrigued.  If you are male, you may consider fashionably shaping your hair into a mullet.

3.     Never let them know you’re interested.  Be aloof at all times, and if they approach you, begin to hiss and flap your arms at them.

4.     This is imperative: the PRP must chase after you, not the other way around.  To encourage this behavior, I find it useful to take something valuable of theirs, then tauntingly run away.  They’ll wish they were with you in no time!

Now that you’re in a real relationship, you may want to relax a little.  NO.

You can relax when you’re dead.

Relationships are work.  As such, I frequently suggest to my clients (aka, friends) that they demand fiscal compensation from their significant other.  Every job has a salary.  For the first week, I’d begin at minimum wage, and discuss a raise after that.  You must not seem high maintenance!

There are also, of course, fun times.  These often must be scripted to avoid argument, but generally result in Happy Feelings.

You may choose to act on these happy feelings, and show the other person affection.  This can be done in one of two ways:

a)     precisely three pats on the top of the head, or

b)    the sending of an E-card.

Unfortunately, you must also prepare yourself for The End.  It is statistically improbable that you and your significant other will remain together forever and always, as nothing lasts forever.  Especially not packages of Twizzlers.

On the day that you part ways, there are certain expectations that must be met.

Firstly, I recommend sending a stand in.  This way you do not actually have to do the work, and no one gets hurt.  If the other person in the relationship is foolish enough to show up as themselves, it will be a good test to see if they truly know who you are.

In ending the relations, it is prudent to ensure that the other person knows that you were not to blame.  Your innocence should be the main subject of discussion.

Once your good name has been cleared, you may chat at length about the weather, scientific facts, or recently released incriminating photos of celebrities.  This conversation may last a maximum of ten minutes.

Upon arriving back to your room, you must delete them from absolutely everything.  Further contact is always a Bad Idea, as it then opens the door to reminiscing about the past or murder plots, neither of which are desirable.

Taking into account this termination of contact, I discourage entering into romantic relations with friends, convicts, acquaintances, or co-workers.  Beginning a relationship with an enemy is often strategically invaluable.

With this wisdom, you are unstoppable!  You are on your way to becoming a Dating Machine.

And should you ever find yourself in trouble, who you gonna call?

No.  Not the Ghostbusters.

Virginia, Relationship Wizard.