BLOG WAR.

I shall begin with a declaration.

I am presently engaged in a Blog War.

Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, allow me to explain (and for those of you who know what I’m talking about, read on politely while I inform the others).  A friend – now turned Combatant Enemy Person – and I are now locked in battle to see who receives more views. 

He, however, has had his blog longer and updates it with startling frequency.  This means he is currently in the lead, at least by plain numbers.  Proportionally, I win.

Somehow he is under the false assumption that he will squash me like a cockroach.  This cannot happen!!!

So I beg of you, dear readers, stalk my blog.  Furthermore, make friends, enemies, family members, cellmates, stray cats, EVERYONE read it. 

Victory is mine.

Yet when it has come to other things these past few days, unfortunately victory has been a bit more elusive.

Yes.  I am talking about maintaining my verticality.

Friday was dreadfully wet, and I awoke with any trace of common sense having snuck away during the night.

So with my defective brain, I decided it would be not only reasonable but advisable to wear flip flops (my feet are most unhappy when wet and enclosed and make strange sloshing noises as a form of protest).

If my life were a horror movie, this would be the part where the audience begins shaking their fists and yelling obscenities at the screen, lamenting the stupidity of the protagonist.

The walk to school was an adventure, to say the least.  Flip flops caused me to hydroplane, so I careened wildly down the sidewalks on footwear that was entirely out of my control.  Furthermore, my wet feet (happy though they were, not being suffocated in traditional shoes) decided staying ON the flip flops was not necessary.  Had to work to convince them otherwise every step, which was difficult as every time they would begin to cooperate, the flip flop would have escaped to a new location.

Also kept getting rain in my eyelashes, causing me to blink rapidly to remove the water, which instead transferred it to my contacts, temporarily blinding me. 

It is no surprise, then, that I walked into a moving vehicle.  This was quite startling to the driver, who was not used to having their vehicle accosted by an oncoming pedestrian.  (In my defense, it was on the sidewalk.  In their defense, they were backing out of their driveway.)  

It should be even less of a surprise that I toppled over.  Would have been able to catch myself had I not been wearing a mini skirt.  Somehow legs got caught in irregular motion, attempted to step forward to correct the problem, but mean skirt would not permit such an action, so instead was stuck in falling limbo for longer than necessary before yelping and landing on my bum. 

Needless to say, got more stares than usual that day.

Shockingly, arrived at school unscathed – but bearing a striking resemblance to a soaked puppy.

Wasn't quite so lucky yesterday - skinned my knee like a small child.  Unlike a small child, was not scampering wildly about or attempting any outrageous tricks.  Well, maybe for me I was.  Walking down a street is a harrowing experience when your balance is so unpredictable.

It’s funny, as from time to time I will manage to convince myself that my abnormality is merely an exaggeration of my own mind.  Surely, I encourage myself, I cannot be all that clumsy – after all, clumsiness is often thoroughly over-emphasized by young girls in an attempt to channel a more Bella personality, with the hope that they will thereby find their vampire.

I am pale enough for an entire relationship.  

No matter.  I will simply find someone to carry me about.  It’s my preferred method of transportation, anyway.